I need to write….my heart is burning to share. As you read this, I pray that you will understand. It is not my intent to bring pain, or anger…but for healing. For me? For you? I don’t know, but please know, as you read this, I am writing it as a tribute. I hope it will help and heal.
My family has always been close. Pretty close…the lines between mother, daughter, grandmother, aunt, cousin…there aren’t any. My mother’s sister had two daughters by the time I was 13. These girls very quickly became “MY little girls”…it was all I could do to be with them. I LOVED them more than anything I knew possible. Every chance I got, I would ask to be with them. When I was old enough to have my own place, I still longed to be with them, so we would have sleepovers, but by now, there were more children who were a part of our family and I “adopted” them as well!
These sleepovers would include make up parties, haircuts & stylings, movies, games, baking, we even played “restaurant” to make breakfast fun…which in turn, caused one of the kids to start actually LIKING scrambled eggs!
In 1985 I moved to Minnesota, because I was “in love”. Little did I know, there was more to love and family than I had already been experiencing. Upon entering the home of my husband to be, I was greeted by his family with HUGS…this was new to me, my family was not particularly “touchy-feel-y” and I felt very awkward. Too bad, because they were not going to change just for me – and I am so very glad they didn’t!
My husband then, when visiting MY family, thought nothing of hugging EVERYONE! I watched the awkwardness in each of my family members as he unknowingly penetrated their walls with bear hugs. They were gracious, giving him “room” to “prove himself” before they decided to dis-allow those hugs. Of course, what kind of family member would I be if I did not also hug…? So I followed suit…again, awkwardness. But something happened. I saw it, I felt it…and I am grateful for it. From that point on, I watched as our family began to tear down walls I didn’t even know were there…and we grew even closer! It was a beautiful thing!
My husband graduated from Bible College with a BS in pastoral studies. We eventually were offered a position out of state…very far away. We were there for 7 years…during which time, our team of youth had begun a new outreach ministry. They began to do “human videos” which were deeply moving dramas enacted to beautiful music and song. (PICS will be on my blog site).
Time passed. And while I was away, the kids grew up. As my sister says, we were still sending them packs of gum and kiddie purses when they were thinking about flag team and boyfriends and girlfriends! We did stay in touch, but distance made it hard. Any opportunity we had to all be together, we planned a “deck party” and a sleepover, but now we were ALL grown up…and the relationship was different…It was far more fulfilling because we could share as adults. But we still had our secrets. Those things that we keep deep inside and share with no one…for fear that we will be rejected, or ridiculed, or worse…cast out of “the sisterhood”.
Our youth drama team was practicing for a service they would perform for our congregation. That week, I received a phone call from home. My “little girl, little sis” Anne-Marie had been found, in her room…unconscious. I could not function…do you know how hard it is, to know that something awful is happening and you have no way to “be there” except through prayer?! So I prayed…as hard and as oft as I could. What else was there? When we arrived at church, and the presentation of our kids, guess what they performed… Petra's "Annie’s Song" (VID will be posted soon). How timely it was…and painful, but healing. You “kids” were completely unaware how deeply touched I was by your ministry that day. The doctors were able to “revive” Anne-Marie and bring her back to us…we had another chance to tell her how very much we love her and how much she meant to us!!!
Our ministry in WA ended in late 1995. We knew God was calling us home, but for what? We did not know…so back to MN we went. Good-byes were VERY painful. Back in MN, however, there was newfound pleasure in being near family once again. I was near my biological sister, and we reconnected immediately – as if we’d never been apart!
Again, years passed…It was during this time that I had been carrying a huge burden of my own. After moving back to MN, my marriage was failing…and I felt VERY ALONE. If I share with my friends, what will they say? If I share with my family, how will they respond? I reached out, but the friends I had come to love, were all “busy” in their own lives and had little time for my problems. We had reached out to so many during their moments of pain, now that WE were in NEED, where were they? Would we EVER survive the hell we were in? All I could picture was multiple episodes of “Oprah” and “The Jerry Springer Show” and my friends and family sitting in the audience casting judgment, or worse, insults at me and my husband, for what, to me, was a MESS of life. My “picket fence” had years of wear and was falling apart and peeling from the weathering. So I kept my secret…for a while longer.
I finally “braved” the “deck party” and sleepover, and decided I would make myself vulnerable…I would share, from my heart…of the pain that I had been carrying – alone – for so many years. This was huge risk…maybe I felt “safer” because the deck party was held at night, in the dark…illumined only by the moon in the night sky. Everyone was silent, as I shared, and concluded my “life as I knew it”. I was ready to bolt, through the door and to my car, when my “little sis” (you would say cousin) said… “THANK YOU!!!” “What?!:” I gasped, in shock… she, and the others, shared how they had always thought my life was so “perfect” and they could never live up to the example (or image) I had created for the world to see. They saw the picket fence, but not the way it REALLY WAS! Whew! I had NOT been rejected… they drew me in even closer! They believed WITH me, for our marriage…which God healed and restored!
We, as usual, had our sleepover…it was a glorious event. Just the girls…laughing, playing…doing “spa” things…Anne-Marie was a joy to be with…we all gasped as she stumbled down the stairs and fell into a heap. She quickly jumped up, threw her arms in the air like Molly Shannon in “Superstar” and said “I’m OKAY!” which, in turn, made us all burst out in laughter! I heard a still small voice in my heart… it said, “YOU should be taking pictures!!”
In December of the year of Y2K, we were once again, together as family for the holidays. It was an annual event. We’d rent a GYM at a local school for the big Christmas dinner – we were 50 strong, and no one had a big enough house for all of us to be in one place! That day, as we talked and played, it was decided that the next time we all get together there was to be a theme. We would all come dressed as NERDS…we giggled and laughed as we planned what we would wear and how we would look…I heard that voice again. “You SHOULD be taking pictures!!”
We were blessed to be in town for an entire week…at which time, of course, we planned another sleepover…The last time we had been together, a neighbor apparently noticed how much fun we were having and knew that “the man of the house” was out of town…his response the next day was “So, when is hubby going to be home?!” We giggled…great memory!!! This night, we planned a movie night. “Our movie” was the “Weekend at Bernie’s” movie. We watched and laughed, and loved…and as I went to the kitchen to get more pop and popcorn, I heard the voice.
“…you should be taking pictures…”
I was always taking pictures…this time I didn’t want to. I wanted to be right in the middle of the fun…let someone else take them! So I ignored the voice…and planted myself right in the middle of all the fun!
We left, December 30, to be home for a New Year’s Eve party. Said our goodbyes and hurried back to our life in Minnesota. Back to work, back to school, back to “our life”.
On January 3, 2001, the phone rang…it was very late... the 10:00 news was on and Dave Huddleston was reporting on the breaking news. My other little sis was on the other end of the line…Anne-Marie had gone to visit a friend in a city 2 hours away. The hospital in that town had called and said that she was brought there to emergency and that it didn’t look good. “We’ll be there as soon as we can” I said…it was a five-hour drive. We were told “No, it is not a good night to travel…just wait, we’ll call.” My world stopped…in the dark of my bedroom, illumined only by the television…Dave Huddleston was now speaking, but no sound came from his voice…
What can I do? I cannot sleep…I cannot drive…all I could do was wait… … … until the call came. “It was too late- she’s gone” …and I heard the voice again, “you should have taken pictures.”
I have since realized that voice, is that of my Holy Spirit. He speaks to me often, if I will but listen. His voice becomes clearer, when I hear…and act…on His direction. He never scares me with bad news, only encourages me to enjoy the moment…this moment…and to hope and look forward to the next one! He will prepare me, if I will allow him to.
Our family broke through another wall, that none of us knew was there, when Anne-Marie went “on her trip”. We do not take for granted any moments we are given. “I love you” has become a very important message that we take every opportunity to send when communicating with each other…there are no lines…mother, daughter, aunt, uncle, cousins…it was an expensive lesson that we learned.
“…you should be taking pictures!”
